So the nominations for the Grammy Awards were announced today. Who cares, right? The Grammys, for as long as I can remember, have awarded respectable mediocrity and their choices regarding the best representatives for the past year in music have always been good for a derisive laugh and immediate dismissal. Case in point: Paul McCartney is nominated for "I Saw Her Standing There." That is some bullshit, for real. And no Miranda Lambert nomination in even the country categories is appalling, especially considering the barnstorming success that "Gunpowder and Lead" had in Nashville, who have held Lambert at arms' length for a while now.
Considering the main narrative of the past few years has been the death of the music industry, it's almost poetic that NARAS manages to reward talent that means almost nothing to the larger culture. I mean, Sheryl Crow has like 72 of these things, and when was the last time anyone talked about Sheryl Crow? (FYI: Sheryl Crow is nominated this year. Raise your hand if you knew she even put out a record. That's what I thought.)
Scanning the nominations today, I realized I hadn't heard of a great bulk of them. Even in recent years, when my exposure to the modern mainstream culture of music has been basically nil (not having a TV and only using the radio to listen to ballgames), I would at least have heard of most of the songs/albums/people/releases. This year? Take a look at the always-hilarious "Best Alternative Album" category and tell me that you knew that Beck, My Morning Jacket, Death Cab For Cutie, and Gnarls Barkley had records out this year. (This category should basically just be called the Radiohead/White Stripes Dick-Suck.) I have no clue who 4/5ths of the Best New Artist nominees are, and while I know the Jonas Brothers (WHO DOESN'T?!) I would not be able to pick out a song of theirs to save my life. When you have three "cute" (?) boys catering to tweens, isn't the music basically redundant?
So I've decided--for how long I can bear it--to catch up with certain categories whose nominees have left me befuddled by who/what the fuck the artist/song is. First up is the biggest category that isn't Album of the Year (excuse me but I will not be subjecting myself to whole albums, partly because they're not YouTube-able and partly because OHMYGODAREYOUSERIOUS): Record of the Year.
"Chasing Pavements" - Adele
I have no idea who Adele is. At first I thought it was Estelle, who did "American Boy," one of my favorite singles of the past year. I wish that had been nominated. Adele sounds like some kind of syrupy nu-soul Billie Holiday but way more annoyingly tic-y with her vocals. Like Amy Winehouse. "Chasing pavements" is a terrible poetic image that makes no sense, really. Holy shit, this is a white girl? Is she British too? What's with British girls being fucking annoying singers?
"Viva La Vida" - Coldplay
Okay yes I've heard of Coldplay, and I knew they released a record, but I hadn't actually heard this song. "I used to rule the world," Chris Martin starts, and automatically I fucking hate this song and would like to punch this guy in the face. Oh my fucking God, this video is even worse. So he's both Jesus and King Whatever and on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Otherwise, the melody and orchestral bombast is basically what people love(d?) the fucking Arcade Fire for, and this is way better-sounding than anything those kids could turn out at least.
"Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
This one I know, as this shit was in every bodega and deli and bank and taxi everywhere in the world at the exact same time forever and ever amen la vida. I don't really know why the world needs another girl who sounds like Mariah Carey. The chorus is pretty great until you realize it's the same thing over and over again and, oddly, is underplayed production-wise and vocally. You expect it to really soar and it just lies there sounding pretty rote for a "profound" statement that ickily and clumsily tries to combine the corporeal with desire. David Wojnarowicz she is not. This song is really depressing for some kind of devotion of love or whatever the hell it was portrayed as. It just plods along getting more boring as it continues. Why have all these songs been so dour?
"Paper Planes" - MIA
This is the other one I know, because this was also everywhere, thanks to its inclusion in that stoner movie with James Franco whose name I can't recall right now. MIA is someone I theoretically think I should love, like she's the new Bikini Kill or something. She is also as vocally and polemically irritating as Kathleen Hanna and Tobi Vail. But the song is fun and catchy and has a great beat (all thanks to the Clash, of course). This song also gets points for inspiring one of my favorite news stories of the year.
"Please Read The Letter" - Robert Plant and Allison Krauss
I had no idea this existed, and if you had told me that these two would form a duo, I would have been all o_O at you. This song is pretty EPIC in its quietness, which only makes the drums sound even more lovely, in that atmospheric thundery way that Daniel Lanois does so well. This honestly could be a song off of Emmylou Harris' Wrecking Ball. A check of the production credits shows that T Bone Burnett produced this, which sounds about right. And Plant and Krauss, two singers whom I have previously had no real knowledge of or even the slightest desire to listen to, sound fantastic together. I take it back: this is like a Low song, up until the slight rollicking (more brook than river) of the coda. I am now very intrigued in listening to their album. An album I didn't even know about before today.
In order of preference: Plant/Krauss, MIA, Coldplay, Adele, Lewis
In order of likelihood of winning: Coldplay, Lewis, MIA, Plant/Krauss (fogey vote will probably help in Album of the Year), Adele (I mean I can't even remember how that song went anymore)
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